Alone

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Am I alone?
Why did you go?
How do I let you go?
How do I heal this heart?
How do I mend without you
One of the worst times in my life,
I had to go through without you
You were callus to my pain.
You forgot to care.
You left me.
I am alone.

The spell he has on me – part 4

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I’ve seen him a few more times and with each time we’ve spent together, I have grown to love him more.

Even the time I only got to see him for a few hours. He came to my hotel room after he got off work, I was so excited. I just started to kiss and touch him. He responded in a very VERY good manner. After we played, he wanted to go get something to eat. I thought we would come back to my room and love on each other a little more but after we ate, he asked me to drive him home. I was surprised, I thought we would spend most of the evening together. I had driven a long way and I guess I expected to see him more than a few hours. So, I drove him home and went back to my empty hotel room.

I thought I would at least get to see him in the morning either before work or at his work like we’ve done before. Next morning, I texted no response, I waited no response so I finally went home. On my way out of town he text and told me he was in a meeting and he’d call on his lunch break. Then he said he was meeting his wife for lunch so he could only talk a second.

In those few seconds he told me loved me and how nice it was to see me.

he also said how he thought if he had gone back to the hotel with me after dinner, he would have felt like he was cheating. Funny thing is, I felt like an unpaid whore, I felt a little used. I loved being with him, going to dinner and talking but I felt cheap. I know my fault, right? I put myself in that situation.

Honestly, he has some kind of spell on me, the hurt goes away pretty fast. I hear his beautiful voice and his soothing words and I know he loves me, everything is fine.

I am learning, slowly learning about his different degrees of love.

Not spoiled but loved

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My mother gave birth to 10 kids in 13 years. Nine of us she raised to adulthood and at times she is still raising us. I was the youngest of this big family, “not spoiled but well loved! ” But mostly I was loved by my wonderful mother. She was the calmest mother out of all the mothers in our neighborhood. All the kids wanted to play at our house because it was ok to make a mud pie in the sand box or run the hot wheels race track from the fire place all the way through the house and out the front door.
My mother is an amazing women. She NEVER raised her voice, I never heard her yell or scream like I heard my friends moms. She had a sound in her voice, and you knew when to listen. She would snap her fingers in church and you’d see nine heads straighten up and behave. To disappoint her was pure agony, there was nothing worse than letting mother down. As we would walk out the door for an evening with friends she would always say “remember it doesn’t cost anything to be good”. We were taught to respect, to be honest and trust worthy. To be hard workers and not expect anything we did not work for. They taught us to love god, to love our family and to love ourselves. We have all grown up to be responsible members of our communities.
Now my beautiful mother is growing old and in the last few days of her life, she can honestly say she has lived a good life and has raised nine children into good honest adults. It is so had to watch my proper southern mother, slowly slipping away. The pain in my heart is like little cracks that deepen every time i see her lose more weight, forget where she is and struggle to make it to the bathroom. Even with the constant pain and forgetfulness, she is still as sweet as can be. Loving and caring about everyone that comes to visit.
My mother can always find happiness in anything. If she is having a bad day and is hurting a lot, she won’t complain, just say, tomorrow will be a better day. She radiates love, I have never meet anyone with a soul as peaceful as hers. Kind to the core. I love her so and yet it hurts so much to see her starting to slip away.
I know that she is dying, and it gives me comfort to know that my dad is waiting for her, the baby they lost, her mother that died when she was three will be so excited to hold her again. What a joyous day that will be for them! But for me, I dread losing my mom. My heart hurts with a feeling of lost I can’t explain. I find myself crying for her and i guess for myself. She is my friend, She is my rock, she is my comfort.
She is my mother.

Fish tacos part 3

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I’m so full of excitement I hardly notice the six hour drive. I arrive and check into the hotel, it’s beautiful, right In the middle of town and best of all, from my window I can see where he works. I take a quick shower, freshen up from my drive, then text him and tell him I’m here.
I wear a pink sweater with no bra, my nipples are poking out just the right amount to give a little tease. A silk floral wrap around skirt, the breeze will catch it just enough. I walk over to his work, I am so excited and so damn wet! I wait in the lobby, it seems like forever until he comes out. All I want is to touch him, kiss him and feel every inch of him. But I refrain, To many people he knows.
We stop and get a fish taco, I think it was good, I can’t really remember, to much anticipation! We walked around his town, it was so fun to see his world. It is so different than mine, not good, not bad, just different. I wanted to touch him, it was pure torcher!
We finally get back to my hotel room. We start kissing, I love the way he tastes! We shower, he wants to try something, something a little taboo but I’m game, he wants to piss on my chest! ok, lets do it. It was awesome! I loved feeling his hot piss all over me! We then stood together rubbing soap and shampoo all over each other. As we rinse off, I slide down and start to suck on him, ummm how good he feels, he’s stretches my mouth he’s so big! In and out, I’m a little timid because this is only the second time we’ve been together since we were young. He was feeling so good, I was so ready to cum. Sucking his hard cock in and out, deep in my throat was going to make me cum without being touched!
We got out of the shower and went on the bed, I loved the way he caressed my breasts, biting my nipples. Begging him to bite a little harder! Stroking my most sensitive folds, he pulls he fingers away and slides inside me. My hell, he felt so good, I could feel him stretching me, sliding in and out, fast slow. Pounding into me! Ummmmm so good!
What I really loved was after, as we rested, he read me poems. Beautifully romantic poems. We talked, shared parts of our past. Our dreams of the future, It was amazing.
Before long he had to go, I loved having that time together. He seemed a little sad or off, I’m not really sure what was up. I thought maybe he felt guilt, whether it was because we were in his home town or maybe because he had to go back to his wife, I don’t know. He said everything was fine but I felt something was on his mind, Kind of like he was guarded, holding his emotions back. Sometimes I would catch just a glimpse of hurt or sadness, something flicker in his eyes. Just for a second until he caught me looking then his smile was back and everything was in place. Maybe it’s just him. He has changed a lot, he’s been to hell more than once and he survived. So, maybe it is just him.
He went home to his house, wife and family. I slept in a beautiful hotel room and wished I was with him. Wished I could go back in time and say those words I so desperately wanted to say but was to afraid.
Next morning, I got ready to leave and walked to where he worked. He walked me out side and we said our goodbyes. I hugged him and held him, hoping to get every memory I could, his smell, the way he felt in my arms, his kiss. It hurt to go, I wanted to spend more time but there is only so much time allowed in affairs. I walked away, got in my car and drove the six hours home. I must admit, I cried most of the way home. I missed him, and I was a little worried he wasn’t content with me because of how he seemed a little distant.
But I loved every second with him.

Gray

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There are days I feel gray
Not white, not black
Just gray.
And the thing is
I love pink
Pink is my happy color
I’m drawn to pink things
Pink makes me feel good.
But on my gray days
There is no pink
There is only dark dismal gray
No white, not black
Just gray
Until I think of you
Your laugh
Your smile
Your touch
Mostly your love
The thought of you makes my grayness pink
beautiful, wonderful, happy…Pink

Our first meeting – part 2

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We met! we finally met again. After 28 years I wondered how it would be. I had changed, life had changed me. I felt like I already knew him so I shouldn’t have been nervous but I was.
I got my nails done, a pedicure, my hair done. I bought a new outfit, I wanted to look the best I could. I was so excited!
We meet in a McDonald’s parking lot. I was so nervous, excited and a little scared all at the same time that I just jumped out of my car to see him. He motioned for me to get in his car, that’s when I realized I forgot my keys, purse and phone in my car! I felt so stupid as I ran back to get them.
I got into his car and we hugged and kissed. My heart was beating a hundred beats a second! He looked so good, and he felt amazing. As we kissed, he moved his hand and touched my breast, his touch sent a tremor all the way through me.
We went and got a drink and something to eat, I couldn’t stop touching him. I loved watching him. I found familiarity in the way he moved, his smile and his laughter but the sureness of his words, the confidence in his voice was new. As we finished eating, he took me by the hand and lead me back to his car. I was shaking, anticipating, so much wanting and desire running through me. He was so beautiful (I know you shouldn’t say that about a man but my hell, he was beautiful in every way.)
We talked, touch and tasted each other, we found our way to a hotel and made love. I am so glad we did, it was a little awkward because we were new to each other but it was as if it united our souls, made us bound together. I know he wasn’t using me nor I him. It was a way to bring us closer.
We are both missing something in our lives and maybe we each found a little bit of it, a little happiness that night. I know I did.

The most interesting thing happened to me after meeting him, I start to heal from the heartache of losing him all those years ago.
A very nice feeling! Indeed!

A friend request – part1

I hadn’t heard from him in 28 years and then one day out of the blue I get a friend request from him. I was shocked, I was a little angry, curious, but mostly I was surprised by my heart. He had left me for another and broke me in the process. I always wondered if he had ever loved me or was I just a stepping stone to his wife?
I didn’t except his friend request right away, I needed to think, I needed to figure out what he was thinking. Seeing his picture brought back so many emotions, so many memories. A lot of my dreams and fantasies were because of him.
What to do, I didn’t know. Then a few days later I received a message from him. He was blunt and to the point, I was surprised. My daughter was with me and leaned over my shoulder and told me not to be rude and she pushed except. My decision was made for me and in that one push of a button, my life changed.
We started to chat, we email, we talked on the phone. It was as if 30 years never separated us. He told me about his life, his wife and his kids. I told him about my kids and my husband and my life. I would drop everything, lie to my family just to talk to him. We talked of the days we use to date and what we would do different.
The day he dared me to “send a picture that would embarrass me” was a turning point for me. We were becoming lovers. He made that spot where my legs meet, always hot and wet. It was just like 30 years ago. I wanted him, I wanted what we had started all those years ago. He makes me feel special, beautiful but mostly happy. I would give him anything and everything he wanted if I could.
Oh and what I would give to see him…

But I still wonder. What did he really want? Was I a game to him like before? Was he going to hurt me again? Was he all talk and full dreams? He always tells me how wonderful his wife is, I don’t feel I could ever complete and I don’t have anything he needs, I have nothing special to give him. He seems to have a perfect life.

But then again, he doesn’t have me. Yet